So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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