My underwear smells like fireworks.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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