I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You are the jesus of drinking
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
