I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
