At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
