is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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