I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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