I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
