She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
