Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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