I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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