K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
