I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
