now i know why i became what i already was.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
