yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
