My liver just broke up with me...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
