found the other keg... it's in the tree
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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