Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
