i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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