i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
