Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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