Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
