Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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