I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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