Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
