My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
