8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just found puke in my bra..
So many bounce houses so little time
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
