i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
