i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
