Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
