All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
