I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
