I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
