I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
