I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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