Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
