fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
