Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
