It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
