so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
