Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
