you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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