True but thats because hes a fetus.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
