That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Panties = found
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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