one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
