so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
