I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
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