The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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