Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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