You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
