I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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