my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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