The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My balls are so social today.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
