he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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