If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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