I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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