He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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