to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
