you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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