I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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